Now I am awake, sitting in my quiet living room. The natural light is perfect. Just enough to make me feel nostalgic for nothing in particular and evoke the emotion that simply by sitting here, I am missing the opportunity for everything.
Windows also open on my computer:
1. Craigslist San Francisco-Jobs?
2. Kayak.com-find me a flight?
and that's it.
You know what that says? Well at least to me, in this moment, it means I don't want to be here, but I don't know how to go. The job search, the flight search are weak attempts at finding an outlet. But the reason I don't know how to go is because I am riddled with attachments. I would like to know what it's like to be able to open my duffle bag, pack my favorite jeans, 3-tshirts, 3 tank tops, a hat, socks and oh...clean underwear (never go anywhere without that), close it.
Pick up computer, cellphone, headphones. Place in bag. Step across threshold of apartment, turn doorknob to the left and pull (with a slight struggle since for some reason the door gets stuck in the colder temperatures) step outside, close door. perhaps lock it, but perhaps not.
Down three flights of stairs, out first door into entryway. out entryway into courtyard. up three steps, out gate...fade to black.
only in a movie.
Instead, I will sit here on this couch, write in this blog, feel guilty about not being at work, hate the fact that i feel guilty about not being at work, hate the fact that i don't love my job, hate the fact that i'm too afraid or, even worse, oddly complacent to change things.
I no longer love new york. I think my adoration has turned to admiration and a sort of resentment. Admiration because, well, it is new york. From time to time I still have that feeling, as though someone has clicked a button on my life that causes the view to pan out, bird's eye, high, wide angle so I can get some perspective.
It's like someone says "HEY ANDI: you live in New York City, vibrant, alive, filled with stories-sad and happy, exciting and frustrating, but nonetheless, things are happening."
But more often than not, I lose sight of that. And I see what's right in front of me. My small bedroom, the C train to 35th and 8th Avenue, my small office with my desk and my computer. My chains.
My friends, whom I love dearly, and my boyfriend, who helps me feel things I have never felt.
And then, of course, the attachments. The feeling like because I work here, because my friends are here, because my boyfriend is here...so I am here.
But the questions. Where could I be? Who could I be with? Will I be happier? These words are pouring out of me right now without even a thought to how it sounds. Scattered, selfish, rantings, cliche. I can't help it.
Something has to give. Someone told me the first year after college would be the worst of my life. Well, it has officially been 8 months since graduation and...I feel paralyzed. Can't go back, must move forward...but how.
where are the answers?
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